


Hearts Getting Torn From Your Mistakes

by adoringbravery



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Make a Wish Foundation, Reality AU, Text Messages, harry fucking misses louis, harry jumped in a bush, i don't know what exactly I'm tagging but like fuck it, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform, louis jetted to the US to club, they belong together, zayn fucked up and left
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 10:04:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10897050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adoringbravery/pseuds/adoringbravery
Summary: It’s been almost four months since Harry has last talked to or seen Louis. Four whole months have gone by without his beaut- no.No.Louis isn’t his anymore, nor is Harry Louis’ either, he keeps forgetting.ORHarry and Louis were taking a small break but then things started to spiral out of control and Harry blames Zayn leaving the band.





	Hearts Getting Torn From Your Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> This little one shot came to me when I remembered about the time Harry facetimed a fan for the Make A Wish foundation and the situation about her asking about Larry. 
> 
> PSA: I don't believe that Louis is Freddies dad, but it just worked well with the plot.
> 
> Im sorry.
> 
> Dont hate me!
> 
> Also, the title is from the song "Say You Love Me" by Jessie Ware

It’s been almost four months since Harry has last talked to or seen Louis. Four whole months have gone by without his beaut- no. 

 

_ No _ .

  
Louis isn’t his anymore, nor is Harry Louis’ either, he keeps forgetting. But Louis,  _ Lou _ the gorgeous boy he fell in love with all those years ago, always seems to creep back into Harry’s mind at least once a day and it’s really pretty unfortunate if you ask him. 

Really fucking unfortunate. 

Since the band started their hiatus right before christmas, Harry hasn’t talked to or seen much of the boys, not because he doesn’t want to, or doesn’t miss or love them, he just can’t hang out or talk to the other boys without thinking about Louis, so he kind of distanced himself a bit, for now that is, before the band comes back from their break, which in his defence he hopes it won't be for a while, he just needs time is all. Harry needs time to heal. 

He’s managed to keep himself rather busy since the boys started their break, landing a big role in a movie, which was possibly more stressful than his XFactor audition, hiking almost everyday for exercise but mostly to breath and think. It gives him time to fill his lungs with fresh air because sometimes thinking causes him to stop breathing, especially if he’s thinking of a certain someone. Harry will never let himself admit it to anyone and so he doesn’t tell anyone when he does go hiking, even though Jeff’s favorite activity is hiking and would love tagging along but it’s something Harry needs to do as part of his alone time. He’s also writing and recording music, a lot, from all the thinking he does on his hikes, as soon as he comes home he grabs one of the many torn leather notebooks he has lying around and just writes for hours. He tries to catch up with friends and family as much as possible to make up for lost time, and with every fiber of his being stays away from any social media networks. The break has been good, relaxing, as long as he doesn’t go on twitter and see a billion and one pictures of Louis.

Because he doesn’t need to see pictures of Louis walking alongside a stroller or along side some brunette, he just doesn’t need that negativity in his life. 

It’s been hard, really hard on Harry since Louis told him about having a one-night stand and her becoming pregnant back in June. It hurt so bad, so fucking bad. Harry was sure he was in a nightmare because no way would Louis do that to him, not his Louis. But Harry couldn’t really say much because him and Louis weren’t exactly together per say when it happened and haven’t really been together since they took a ‘break’ back in March, right before Zayn left. It was all Harry’s idea, surprisingly. Louis was devastated but did whatever Harry wanted and needed because he loved him with every tiny cell in his body.

Loved him. Past tense. Because someone who loves another human to the ends of the earth would never cheat. Harry is sure of that. Even if they were on a break, doesn’t fucking matter, Harry wasn’t out shagging every person he came in contact with because Louis was it for him. Is still  _ it _ for him. They were just on a break, a temporary break, just so they could calm down and stop fighting.

Harry just needed some air to breath for a bit. He didn’t want to break up with Louis permanently, that was never his intention. He just wanted a few weeks or a month where he could just be on his own and think for a bit. He didn’t want to see other people or be ‘single’, he just needed some alone time.

As much as you love someone, being with them 24/7 is not always the easiest either. Leading up to Harry’s decision of taking a short break, him and Louis hadn’t been on the greatest terms, constantly fighting and bickering about stupid shit. It’s happened before, this wasn’t the first time. They would have a small period where they just fought about everything and anything and then would end up spending some time apart. It happened very rarely, but it did happen because being around the love of your life every hour of everyday, working and living in the same quarters does put some strain on a relationship.

In most relationships the couple are able to have their own time when they go to work, in different places. Louis and Harry work together, everyday, there’s not much room for alone time. 

But they loved each other so much. So much that it hurt. It hurt to be apart from each other, it hurt to wake up in an empty hotel bed. It hurt to have to try their hardest not to be caught staring at each other during interviews, concerts or being backstage. It hurt every fiber of their being to be apart, but it was the only way. The only way they could gain some sense of the situation and eventually work it out.

Then Zayn left the band, and Louis just wasn’t himself anymore. He didn’t really have Harry anymore, even though Harry was always there if Louis needed him, but they were on a break and Louis didn’t want to push something Harry wasn’t ready to go back to. Zayn was Louis’ rock, especially when him and Harry would fight. He was his best friend, partner in crime and the night Zayn told Louis he couldn’t do this anymore and that he was packing to go home for good, crushed Louis, hurt him so much.

Louis then left, in between concerts, to a small island in Asia. No one knew he was there, he made sure of it, he just needed to clear his head, away from everyone and everything. Harry was worried sick, called and texted Louis about a thousand times until Lou Teasdale told him to stop “You know Louis better than anyone, he just technically lost his best friend and technically doesn’t have you right now. He’s alright love, let him be, he’ll come back” and he did, came back a few hours before their next gig, but wouldn’t talk to anyone, so Harry let him be and was ready whenever Louis was, but decided to give him his space like he did for Harry. Harry was ready, had enough time to think and have his alone time, was ready to mend things with Louis, but Louis wasn’t, not with the recent turn of events because of Zayn. 

Harry blames Zayn. It’s essentially all Zayn’s fault if he’s being honest. Harry and Louis would have mended things and would have been together again by the end of March, Harry was sure of it. He just needed a few weeks, Harry just needed a few weeks alone to sort things out, to give both of them some time to calm down and realize what was important to the both of them which was each other. But Harry knew, deep down he knew after Zayn left, Louis wasn’t ready to mend things, and needed more time.

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and then the next thing Harry knows it's the beginning of June, only a few days till he has to leave for America and someone is banging on the door, the door to which belonged to Harry and Louis’ flat. Harry decided to stay there when they came back to the UK after their small European leg of the tour before heading off to North America. He climbed out of bed, annoyed, because who the fuck was banging on his door in the middle of the night?

This better be a fucking emergency, he thinks. No one ruins his beauty sleep in the middle of the night. Damnit he has to be up in 3 hours to go train with Mark. This fucking better be important.

He slowly staggers to the door and opens it and a red-eyed, hair disheveled, tear stained sweater Louis was standing in front of him and all Harry could say was “You have a key”.

At that Louis just burst out crying and Harry had no idea what to say or do. He hasn’t really been alone with Louis or talked to him since right before Zayn left in March, and now it’s the first week of June and Louis was standing in front of their door to  _ their _ flat, crying.

Harry couldn’t bare to see him like that anymore and closed the distance between them, wrapping both of his long arms around the small boy, nuzzling his face in the crook of Louis neck.

“Babe. Love what’s wrong? I’m here, I’m here. Shh. Babe I’m here” Harry said as he rubbed Louis’ back.

“I’m sorry” Louis sniffled. “I’m so fucking sorry, I love you so much it scares me sometimes, but I’m so stupid and I’m so sorry”.

Harry was having a hard time catching his breath. “What happened? Tell me.” His head was spinning, he felt dizzy, lightheaded and he didn’t know why.

Louis looked up at Harry and whispered, “I need to talk to you, need to tell you something. Can we sit?” Tears are streaming down his face, too fast for Harry to wipe them away. 

Louis tells him, tells him everything. With a shaky voice, he slowly told Harry, unable to look into his eyes, to even glance up at Harry despite all the protests from Harry to “Please look at me”. Still refused to lift his head when Harry put his hands under his chin but then fall when Louis gets to the point. He watched his hands fall slack to the sides of Harry’s thighs. 

Harry’s whole world was shattered, broken down to the ground. He just lost his whole world, the best thing that ever happened to him. Louis told him everything, from going to California after their Asian/African leg of their tour and how he went out almost every night and got hammered. Completely blacked out hammered. Told him that he barely remembered any of it because he woke up at 5 p.m every day and started to drink up until he came home from the club they had decided to go to that night and doing it all over again the next day.

Louis got the phone call that morning that Briana was pregnant and it apparently was his. He was confused and shocked because he didn’t even remember what the girl even looked like. And now telling Harry, finally seeing the look on his face just broke his heart into a million and one pieces.

Louis apologized and apologized but there was nothing he could have done. He got some girl knocked up while the love of his life was at home, waiting for him to feel better to talk, waiting for him to close the gap that was formed in their relationship, to come back home to him, to tell him that they would be ok. Harry was ready to have their relationship back to normal, wanted Louis back in his life, but after Zayn left the band and Louis started acting weird, Harry vowed that he would wait for him and would take him back with open arms whenever Louis was ready to talk. Harry left the ball in Louis’ court, his move. Harry wasn’t saying anything and Louis was just staring at him with tears coming down his face.

“Lou, leave. Just leave!” Harry had screamed and Louis cried even harder and begged for him to be able to stay but Harry wasn’t having it.

“LEAVE! NOW!” and that was it, Louis was backing out to the door and back to their house, alone.

The news broke a month later, when they were on tour in America. Harry didn’t talk to Louis unless it was work related. He avoided him like the plague and Niall and Liam had no idea what to say or do. So they ended up splitting up, Liam took Louis and Niall took Harry and tried to be there for their best friends.

It was weird because everyone could still see how much Louis and Harry still loved each other. There were times when they would catch one another staring at each other and they would both want to just forget everything and make up, but Harry has too much pride, and doesn’t tolerate a cheater. Even if they were on a ‘break’ Harry didn’t consider them broken up, not even close. Then Louis wanted his space and Harry gave it to him, waiting very patiently for Louis to come back home to him.

That went on the entire length of their North American leg and a bit of the second leg of their European tour. Avoiding each other at all costs, unless it was work related. 

It’s October now, and they are almost done with the On The Road Again Tour and Harry couldn’t be happier. He can’t wait to be on break and not have to see the love of his life everyday, torturing his heart. Briana came to a few of their London shows because management thought it was a good idea. Harry locked himself in his dressing room and Louis made sure he wasn’t seen talking to or standing next to Briana at all. Thankfully he had his family there that took care of that, because truthfully he didn’t want to see her either. Didn’t want to be reminded of his mistake that cost him his relationship with Harry.

Louis always thought him and Harry were invincible, and could get through anything. This though, this was different, and Louis lost hope in ever getting his Harry back.

October 31, 2015, the last day of tour. They finished singing Drag Me Down and started saying goodbye to all the fans when someone thought it was a good idea to do single hugs instead of one big group hug. It was definitely Niall. Harry hugged Liam and Niall and it was time to hug Louis, he thought he could get away with not hugging him but he knew the fans would speculate and it would just look bad to be honest. So after giving Liam a hug he looked up and Louis was staring at him and shrugged. They walked over to each other and just fell into the hug. They clutched on so hard, making it hard for both of them to breath for a few moments, but it was honestly the greatest few moments Harry and Louis had in months. Harry hugged tighter and tighter as did Louis. Then Harry started to release and Louis didn’t want it to end. Wanted to hold his baby longer, harder. He could hear the screams of the fans cheering for both of them, his heart was pounding so hard just being able to touch Harry, to smell him, and oh did he miss his smell. It was the smell of home, and he hasn’t been home for quite sometime.

Louis has missed everything about Harry, he missed his other half, his ship to his compass, his rose to his dagger, his hi to his opps, missed it all and now Harry was slipping out of his grasp one more time, walking over to the other side of the stage, and Louis was trying so hard to keep his cool so that he wouldn’t cry on stage in front of thousands of screaming fans. He doesn’t cry in public, keeps that for the closed quarters of his hotel room, in total darkness. 

Promo for their 5 th album started a few weeks later and Harry was having a hard time being in Louis’ presence again after their few week break. He wanted so badly to just crawl back to Louis, to fix it all and tell him he was there for him no matter what, but he just couldn’t. He knew Louis would be jetting off to LA to help take care of his baby boy soon after he was born and Harry would once again lose him. His heart was finally starting to mend itself back together; slowly, but it would get there, eventually but he couldn’t go through that again.

If Louis and Harry are meant to be, it will happen, but right now Harry needs his space away from him. Promo season came and went and Harry won’t ever forget where he was when he  saw pictures of Louis with some b-list female celebrity, looking all coupled up. He was out on a lunch date with his mom and Gemma in London, a few weeks before Christmas, when he saw The Sun article. Anne had to drive Harry home that day and he spent a few days not moving from his bed.

Then Christmas and New Years came and went as well. Harry had received a few text messages from Louis, wishing him happy holidays, which Harry read and deleted without a single text back. There isn’t a day that goes by that Harry doesn’t think of Louis or is reminded of Louis. He can’t even look through his photos without seeing pictures Harry snuck of Louis while he was laying in bed sleeping or playing the piano or of selfies Harry and Louis took together. Walking around the flat in London and his home in LA without turning a corner or seeing a framed picture of the two of them.

It’s now January 21 and Harry gets the text message early that afternoon from Niall.

**_Niall:_** **_Hey mate. hope all is alright. miss u buddy. Lou wanted me 2 tell u before u heard from someone else but his baby boy was born this morning. luv and miss u mate, call me sometime, please._**

He read it and threw his phone across the room, shattering the screen, never calling or texting Niall back. 

That night Harry drank a whole bottle of Pinot Grigio and ate a whole tub of Ben and Jerry’s and didn’t care at all. He would just have to juice the next day, no big deal.

At least for the first time in months, he slept well that night. The effects of white wine does that to him, and the next morning, even though he had a banging headache, he was grateful for the 10 hour sleep he had. He needed it, desperately. 

He tried not to be bothered by it all week, but how couldn’t he? Every time he turned a corner, Louis face with his baby was on the cover of a magazine, or when he turned on the tv E! News would be talking about it, he couldn’t get away. What really bothered him is that he absolutely loves babies, is obsessed with them actually, it's sickening.

And that’s how it was for the past four months. Harry was reminded of the love he lost every day. Was reminded of the baby or of Briana or Danielle every time he was feeling just a bit better. Harry tried to avoid Louis at all costs, while Louis still tried to get in touch with him.

It was actually fucking inconsiderate if you ask him. Really fucking rude of Louis to still try and squeeze his way to Harry’s heart. Didn’t he get the message? Harry hadn’t responded to the numerous texts or calls that came his way. Why is Louis still fucking trying?

The Tomlinsons tried to contact Harry as well in the past 4 months after the band’s hiatus but he never was able to pick up the phone or text back. Lottie once came to Harry’s house in LA, banging on his front door yelling “I know you’re in there Styles! Now let me in!” He didn’t and eventually Lottie left. Jay had asked about him a few times and every time his mom brought it up on a phone conversation Harry always diverted the conversation to an exciting thing he had done that day or how lovely the weather in LA was.

He was writing again which was good. Filled up his new journal he had bought a month ago with all new songs he could use on a future solo album or for the band or songs he would eventually sell. Most of the songs about Louis, but he won’t ever admit that.

It’s April now, Harry has been in LA since the end of February, slowly setting up a routine for himself, hoping to push all his thoughts about Louis to the back of his mind, trying to distract himself as much as he could. 

Jeff called him a few days ago, asking if Harry would be up to facetiming with a fan from the Make A Wish Foundation. Harry said yes right away, because he is an angel sent from the heavens above. Which brings us to present day.

It’s noon and Harry was just pulling up to his gate, coming back from his yoga session when his phone rang.

“Hey mate” he cheerfully says into the phone putting his car in park and walking to his front door. Jeff always puts Harry in a good mood, no matter what.

“Good afternoon Hershel. You all ready for the Make A Wish fans in about a half an hour?” Jeff said.

Harry is unlocking his front door, taking off his nikes and leaving them by the door and started to walk towards the stairs towards his bedroom, taking off items of clothing in the process. “Yeah, yes of course. Just about to hop into the shower. I’ll call you when I’m done yeah?”

It was 30 minutes later when Harry texted Jeff and gave him the okay and a minute later Jeff responded with the fans email to call her.

Harry sat on his plush chair that he is really proud of, finding it at an antique shop, in the master bedroom seating area, opening his laptop and turning it on. He hasn’t done one of these in so long, but talking to fans, really talking to them brings him an abundance of joy and usually by the end of the conversation he feels like he can do anything. Their fans are beyond incredible and being able to put a name and a story to at least one of them in the crowd makes him feel that much closer to them.

Jeff had already sent him the specifics of the call yesterday like the name of the fan, Catalina, that she is from Venezuela and has just started her treatment. 

These calls are always hard on Harry. He feels helpless, wants to take all their pain away, but he can’t so he tries his hardest to make his time with them the best time of their lives. Hopes to make them smile and laugh until their stomach hurts and he’s patient with them. So patient. He answers all of their questions as truthfully as he can because they deserve at least that. Any requests they may have he obliges because it’s mostly them asking him to sing and well he can do that. 

He starts to type in her email address, one letter at a time, making sure he doesn’t misspell it and then finally presses call. He doesn’t wait long for an answer, less than 10 seconds actually. Jeff must have informed the Make A Wish team that Harry was going to call.

“Hi Catalina!” Harry smiles once he sees the young girl’s face.

She starts to cry, overwhelmed by the situation. “Oh love, please don’t cry! You’ll make me cry too!” He laughs and stifles a laugh from her as well.

Wiping her tears, she whispers a “sorry” and then smiles at Harry. They flow into an easy conversation, lots of questions being asked from both sides. Catalina asking about the boys and what they all plan on doing during the break and Harry asking how school is and how her treatment is going. All in all everything goes well. No invasive questions, which Harry always fears but it’s going well. 

As well as he could imagine honestly, that is until the end, when he’s blindsided with a question he fears of always being asked.

She bats her bring brown eyes at him and with a cute Spanish accent asks “Is Larry real?”

He’s caught completely off guard, like a ton of bricks are thrown at him at once. Forgotten emotions (ha yeah okay Styles) and memories pushed to the front of his head. The last six years replaying in his head like a dramatic romantic comedy movie and he suddenly forgot how to breath. His mind is running rampant of blue.

BLUE. BLUE. BLUE. 

It’s all Harry can think about, all Harry can feel, and it’s all he cares about in that moment. Get it together Styles, you can do this.  

He doesn’t know how long he’s been silent, doesn’t know how long he has his eyes closed until he finally looks up at the computer screen. Catalina is just staring at him with a questioning look on her face.

“No,” he pauses, “no darling” he just says, because honestly ‘Larry’ isn’t real at the moment and as much as he wants to scream it to the top of the world that yes he still loves Louis and they were together for almost five years, he simply can’t, can he? 

She doesn’t seem convinced though, doesn’t want to take that answer and move on so she presses him with another question, “Was it ever real?”

And fuck.

Honestly fuck his life right now because no this isn’t happening right now, it can’t happen right now, not after how hard he has worked to push those memories aside and how hard he’s still struggling to push those feelings aside. 

Harry isn’t usually the dramatic type, that was always Louis, but honestly someone should just rip his heart out now, would be easier than to have to deal with all these emotions. 

He sighs quiet enough that he hopes Catalina won’t hear, “No, love. Never was.” He really can’t breath, like he might pass out because there just isn’t enough oxygen flowing to his brain right now. He hates lying, has always fucking hated it and tried to word some answers so that he wasn’t ‘technically’ lying but this, this is just flat out lying to a fan who has cancer and honestly why is the universe punishing him, he never did anything wrong. 

Catalina looks upset, her face says it’s not the answer she was hoping to hear and Harry can relate because it wasn’t the answer he wanted to say.

They finish their conversation 10 minutes later, with small talk, and then before they both hang up Catalina gets a few pictures with Harry on the computer screen next to her. They say their goodbyes and then hang up. Harry closes his laptop and just sits still in his armchair, taking deep breaths.

He just wants to scream. Wants to climb the highest mountain and scream at the top of his lungs. Wants to release all his frustration, all his pain and then he wants to cry. Have a solid good cry, that always makes him feel better. His heart aches so much. He finally thought he was slowly starting to get over Louis and his feelings toward him but unfortunately deep down Harry knew that was never going to happen.

Louis will always be and still is the love of his life and it scares him how much he still cares. Still wants Louis to be the one to wrap his arms around Harry, still wants him to be the last person he sees before he goes to sleep and the first person he sees when he wakes up. Harry wanted forever with him and with every fiber of his being, he still wants that with Louis and it just really sucks.

Honestly, what did Harry ever do to the universe for it to betray him like this? 

He goes for a run because well, he needs to and he doesn’t care that he just went to yoga a couple hours ago and he doesn’t care that he just took a shower and will have to take another one when he gets back home, he just needs to run and blast music in his ears to forget. 

There’s this path by his house in LA that he loves to run on. It’s pretty private, has only seen a handful of people on this trail since he started to run on it a year ago. It makes him feel like it’s his little secret and he’s so grateful for it.

He’s been running for over an hour, keeps running even when there’s a sharp pain in his lower stomach. He keeps running even when the sun starts to set. He keeps running when his phone is at 10% battery and he keeps running when he ends up outside of Louis’ house.

He didn’t even realize that was where his feet were taking him, but guess that’s what happens when you zone out and let your heart and brain take over. He pauses just outside of the gate, watching as the sun is setting behind Louis’ house. He can hear the laughter and screams and the splashing of water from the pool. He wants to walk in, wants to be part of Louis’ life again but he can’t seem to move from the spot he’s standing in. 

He’s honestly in clear open view, if anyone looks out of Louis’ windows they can clearly see Harry standing by the gate, couldn’t miss him. He’s pretty sure Louis has cameras all over his house as well, but he can’t seem to move, doesn’t have the will to turn around and head home. 

He’s definitely been standing there for a good 10 minutes when he hears the garage door opening and the click of the gate. He needs to hide, needs to get the hell away from here. His heart is racing and he starts to panic. There’s a few bushes across the street Harry can hide behind and he figures that’s his best bet, so he sprints towards them, scared someone will spot him. Because he doesn’t need anyone to know he’s there, especially the person driving out of Louis’ house, especially Louis. This will be his secret. 

A black range rover comes down the driveway and approaches the opened gate, Harry has clear view of the whole thing but is positive he can’t be seen.

It’s Louis, and he’s alone in the car. Harry barely gets a look at him before Louis is turning out of his driveway and speeding down the street. 

He lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding and just collapses on the ground. He has his legs sprawled out and his arms as well, he looks like a giant starfish washed up on the beach.

He stays like that for what feel like hours but in reality it’s only 5 minutes before he gets up and starts jogging home.

By the time he’s opening up his door, it’s way past 9pm, running most of his way back in the dark. His legs feel like spaghetti, he can’t really feel them to be honest. When he’s making his way up the stairs he has to cling onto the railing to make sure his feet don’t give out from under him. 

There is no way he can stand in the shower, so he opts for a bath. He picks out his favorite bath bomb and turns the water on and it quickly fills up. Throws his clothes to the floor and slowly climbs in. He’s one hundred percent certain he may have to lay in bed all day because his legs won’t be able to work, but he’s definitely not complaining. After the emotional rollercoaster of a day he had today, he deserves a lie in. 

He stays in the bath a bit too long, starting to shrivel up. His stomach starts to make obscene noises that he can’t ignore any longer. The water is starting to get cold anyways.

He towels off and finds a pair of boxers in his drawer and heads downstairs. The warm water doing wonders to his legs but he’ll still be hella sore tomorrow, he’s sure of it. 

He makes a quick bite to eat, just a turkey sandwich and drinks a huge glass of water because yeah he forgot he just sweat off 5lbs of fat and hasn’t drank anything during his run or since he came home. 

Oops.

He watches some tv and goes through all of the text messages he has received in the past 5 or so hours since the last time he checked his phone. Mostly messages from Jeff asking how the call went. A few from his mom just checking in on him and one from Liam asking if he wanted to stop by the studio to hang out with him. 

He doesn’t answer any of them. Not because he doesn’t want to but it’s late now, almost midnight and he’s just too tired to start conversations, plus his mom is sleeping, so there's that.

He makes his way upstairs just a little past 12:30, quickly getting under the covers when he reaches his bed. The past few weeks he has started to sleep on the left side of the bed, Louis side, without even realizing it. 

Whatever, sue him.

It’s just that the left side is closer to the vent where the heat and air conditioning comes through. That's it, that’s the reason why he sleeps on that side, not because it’s ‘Louis’ side’. His name isn’t on it, he didn’t get to claim it and plus this is Harry’s bed, Harry’s, not Louis’.

He turns on his side, looking out the window to his backyard. He’s only able to see the moon and stars but then he thinks Louis is looking at the same moon and even though they aren’t together and he feels like he’s a million miles away, he technically isn’t.

Fuck he’s such a romantic it’s disgusting. 

He twist and turns for the next two hours or so, can’t seem to fall asleep or get comfortable, so he grabs his phone from the night stand and without thinking goes to his text messages and starts a new message to Louis.

**_I miss you. miss you so fucking much it hurts and i dont know how to deal with it anymore. I got asked about ‘larry’ today when i was facetiming with a fan for the make a wish foundation and now i cant sleep and honestly i dont know why im even texting you because you honestly dont deserve anything from me but i cant fucking sleep and youre taking up all of my headspace and i kindly ask for you to fuck off. fuck off so i can sleep. God when the fuck did we get like this, when did this become our reality. Im just so tired, so god damn tired Lou. i just want to sleep and not feel so fucking empty inside. I just want to sleep._ **

He stares at the message as it’s being sent. He regrets it. Regrets it 110%.

Why does he do stupid shit at half past 2 in the morning. WHY?

He stares at it for a few minutes longer and his heart sinks when he sees that the message has been read.

Louis is awake, and he read Harry’s message and fuck, what did he just do? 

 

*

 

It’s 2:15 in the morning and Louis has just gotten home from being at the studio hanging out with Liam. Liam was showing him some of the songs he’s recording for his solo album, wanted to get some constructive criticism and Louis was happy to help. He was happy just to be in Liam’s presence and hang out, like old times. 

He’s grabbing the tea he just made and his pack of cigarettes, heading to his back yard when his phone buzzes in his hand.

He reaches his outdoor seating area, puts down his tea and looks at his phone.

A text message.

From Harry.

A text message from Harry.

He nearly drops his phone, his heart racing a mile a minute before he even starts to read it. 

He’s shaking, his hands are trembling as he starts to read the first few words. 

Harry misses him. A lot. Louis has been waiting for this moment for months, for over a year now! He told himself he would wait, would always wait for Harry to give him the okay to talk again, to be able to hold him again and this is it. All those memories and feelings hitting him like a train. He gets a sudden jolt of adrenaline and immediately feels like he can run a marathon and still not be tired at the end. 

After reading the message he knows exactly what he has to do. He gets up from his seat and runs in the house, leaving his tea forgotten on the table. Its half past 2 in the morning and he doesn’t care, doesn’t care what time it is. He’s grabbing his keys and is going to make the 20 minute journey to Harry’s house. Louis needs to see him, wants to cuddle him back to sleep and run his fingers through his hair. He wants to kiss his jaw and hold his hand, intertwining their fingers together and fall asleep next to him. Hopefully Harry will let him.

He hasn’t had the greatest sleep since him and Harry stopped speaking. It’s just that the bed is too big and the sheets are too cold and nothing is right, nothing has been right since last March and it’s been slowly killing him inside. 

He doesn’t even realize he’s been speeding when he’s only been in the car for 5 minutes and he’s already halfway there. So grateful that no one is around, that no cops are waiting to hand out tickets, it’s just him, the road and his mind thinking of things to say to Harry. 

*

Fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes go by and still no reply, no little writing bubble or anything. He won’t ever admit it to anyone that he’s a bit disappointed, Harry is fucking disappointed. 

He wasn't really sure what kind of response he was expecting or if he was even expecting a response when he sent it, but now fifteen minutes later and no response, he knows now that he wanted some kind of heartfelt response. Things don't always work out in his favor though, do they? 

If he thought it was hard to go to sleep before, well it's 10,000 times harder now. He just wants his Louis back to be quite honest. Wants everything to go back to the way it was before Zayn left, before he was so stupid to tell Louis they needed to have a temporary break, even if they were constantly fighting. They would have talked it through and worked it out, they always did. 

Harry will always question the what ifs. Will always think about what could've been. Will always replay that month over and over again to figure out what he could have done differently. It is what it is though, which bloody sucks.

_ Absolutely fucking sucks.  _

Harry can’t lay in this bed any longer, maybe if he lays on the couch he’ll fall asleep, he always does. So that's what he does, he clambers out of bed with the duvet covering almost every inch of his body. He looks like an Eskimo, a cute lonely sad Eskimo. 

It's 10 to 3 when he plops on the couch, turns on the tv and hears a strange noise from his backyard. He jumps a bit though. Heart starts to pick up speed just a little. 

It's probably just a squirrel or some small animal, no need to get scared Haz, you'll be fine he thinks to himself. 

A minute later he hears a noise again and it sounds like it's getting closer, and no, Harry is not going to die tonight, no fucking way. So he runs.

Gets out of his little duvet bubble and runs to the kitchen to grab a knife, but honestly who is he kidding? Harry would never hurt a fly, what makes him think he'll hurt a wild rabid animal, or worse a human ? Even if that said human was trying to rob or kill him, Harry would never be able to hurt them. He'd probably just let them take anything they want and will even let them kill him because he's too much of an angel to hurt anything. 

He really hopes it's neither and that it's just the wind or his imagination. 

Someone knocks on his back door.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

“Haz. ‘Arreh are you there?” 

It's Louis. He could pick out that voice from a crowd of people. Knows that voice like that back of his hand. 

Louis is here. At his back door. Knocking on his back door. Louis. But he doesn't seem to move from his crouched down position in the kitchen. His heart is beating so loud he's sure all of LA can hear it, and his mind is full of Louis, Louis, Louis. He can't think, his brain needs to tell his legs to move but it can't because it's only thinking about the boy standing on his back porch knocking on his door. 

His phone starts ringing, the sound of Marimba filling up the room. Louis can definitely hear it.

“Harry, I know you're in there, the tv is still on and your phone is loud as fuck. Just open the door” Louis is begging. “Please.” 

Harry can't hide, he'd be a fool to not open the door, not after how disappointed he was that Louis didn't reply. But now he knows why. Louis drove to see him instead, wanted to tell him his response in person. At that Harry gets to his feet and walks over to the sliding glass door and pulls the curtains away.

He catches Louis eyes. Stares right at them for a few seconds before he opens the door. 

They just stand there for a bit, just staring at each other, not moving at all. It actually feels nice. Being in his presence again and even though they haven't said anything, Harry feels a little better already. 

He's about to open his mouth to say something but Louis beats him to it, “Hi.”

“What are you doing here?” It comes out harsher than he wanted it to. A lot harsher than he wanted it to. 

“I uh I-” Louis stutters and then looks down at Harry's hand. “Why are you holding a knife?” 

Oh.  _ Oh _ . 

Yeah he forgot about that. “I um got scared, and like thought you were a rabid animal or a robber or something,” Harry's voice a lot softer than when he first spoke. He places the knife on the nearby coffee table.

Louis laughs, generally laughs. His eyes crinkle and his head is falling back. He's so cute, so stinking cute and Harry just wants to touch him, wants to run his fingers over his jaw line. 

He doesn't even realize his arm was moving to do just that until Louis stops laughing and Harry's right hand is cupping his face. Harry's thumb is caressing Louis cheek and his face sinks into Harry's touch. 

They stay like that for a minute, but to Louis it feels like a century and his face feels like it's burning under Harry’s touch. He looks up at Harry and sees his eyes glistening, tear ready to fall. 

“Can we talk? And can I come in? It's bloody cold out ‘ere,” Louis smiles. 

Harry nods and drops his hand to his side, walks to the kitchen and grabs the kettle to fill it up. “Tea?” he asks.

“Yeah. Please.” Louis sits on one of the island bar stools and watches Harry gracefully zip through his kitchen opening the fridge for the milk, getting two mugs, and going through a cabinet to get the sugar.

He makes two cups of tea, one exactly the way Louis likes it, Yorkshire tea and a splash of milk, and the other for himself, Earl Gray with milk and sugar. Harry sets both mugs on the kitchen island in front of Louis, pushing Louis’ closer to him and taking the mug he made for himself in his hands and leans back onto the kitchen counter. 

About five minutes have passed and Harry has already drank a quarter of his tea when he finally says something, “So you came here to talk” he takes a breath and continues, “so talk.”

Louis takes a huge gulp of his still hot tea and swallows hard. He looks up at Harry, his eyes screaming for sleep, his hands start to tremble a bit under the island counter but he somehow can get coherent words out of his mouth and then looks down at his mug.

“I, um, wanted to talk about like us, I guess?” He takes another sip of his tea. Fuck his tongue is literally on fire. “Because like your text. Your text kind of gave me, ugh, the courage to come here and tell you that I miss you too ‘Arreh. And I just” he rubs the back of his neck with his right hand and refuses to look at Harry. He feels like he's talking a mile a minute, way too fast for Harry to understand. “I just wanted to tell you in person, instead of through the phone cause I just really miss you.”

He doesn't wait for a response from Harry before he starts again. He looks up at Harry, finally, with a smirk. Harry is for sure not fucking ready for what Louis is about to say next. 

“What did the fan on FaceTime say today that got you hiding in the bushes across the street from my house?”

At that Harry literally spits out the tea he had in his mouth all over the island counter, definitely hitting Louis a bit. Harry is choking, and he needs an ice cold bath to wipe off the 3rd degree embarrassment from his body. 

“How did you-” Harry pauses and takes a deep breath. “You saw me?”

“Yeah” Louis laughs. 

“But how? I was sure I was being very discreet!”

Louis shakes his head and smiles. “Haz, you were standing at my gate for like ever, I have cameras you know, and then I opened the garage and saw you run to the bushes.” Louis can’t stop smiling. “It was kind of cute.”

Harry puts his face in his hands, too embarrassed to look up at Louis.

Louis climbs off of the bar stool and walks over to Harry to pry his hands off of his face. “I missed you. So much that I would just stalk your social medias and articles just to see what you were doing” Louis sighs. “Lottie actually hid all of my electronics one time so I wouldn't mope around waiting for some piece of you to be posted or something.”

This conversation is beginning to be too much for Harry. He can't breathe, but in a good way, if not breathing could be good. A single tear slides down Harry’s face and is caught by Louis’ hand that sits at the sides of his face.

“I love you Harry. Always have and always will. I don't think I'll ever stop, I don't think I can because it's you. It will always be you H. I know I fucked up, I know.” Louis sighs and Harry is just staring at him, mouth a little slack not really knowing what to do or say. “I beat myself up everyday because of it, because of the situation we are in because of it.”

There's a pause, but Harry knows Louis has more to say so he keeps quiet, let's him finish.

Louis is rubbing Harry's cheeks with his thumbs before he starts again. “I’ve talked to your mom and Gemma so many times, trying to figure out what to do. They love you so much babe and will always protect you but they said you aren't yourself anymore and it killed me inside to hear it because you were the light of my life. Always so happy and bright and I don't think I can live with myself if I knew I took that light away.” 

“I-” His voice is so dry. Why is it so dry? He can't get his words out and he needs water because his throat is like the Sahara Desert. Harry takes a deep breath and continues “I was so hurt, so torn down and I tried to forget, to forget about you because I thought it would be better. I thought I could move on, find someone that makes me happy and loves me but no one will ever make me as happy as you made me. And I think, I think that's why I was so pissed at you, so mad because the thought of you with someone else made me sick. I just-” he was crying now, full on sobbing, “I just miss you so much and my heart still aches for you which sucks but it is what it is I guess.” 

Louis was squeezing Harry in a tight hug that he almost couldn't breath but he didn't care because this was home, he was finally home. 

“Can we sleep? I'm so tired and I want to sleep in your arms tonight if that's fine?”

“What about uh what about your girlfriend?”

Louis laughs, because seriously? “Really? Love, if you think she's my girlfriend than I don't know who you are.” He laughs again. “It's Modest’s doing again, because having a baby isn't heterosexual enough I guess.”

Harry slides back into Lou’s arms again and it's crazy how well their body's still fit perfectly together, after all this time. 

“Sleep, yeah please.” Harry says nuzzled into Louis neck. 

They close all the lights and turn off the t.v downstairs, put the two mugs of tea in the sink and make their way to Harry’s room. They still have a lot of things left unsaid, a lot of stuff they need to sort out and talk about, but they will deal with that in the morning. There's no rush. No rush when you know you have the rest of your life to talk. 

They both take their usual side of the bed, and Harry's back is towards Louis’ ready to be cuddled. Louis slides under the covers and wraps his arms around Harry’s waist, pulling him up against his chest. He planted a small kiss to Harry’s back and feels himself already easily falling asleep. 

“Goodnight love.”

“Goodnight Lou.”

That night they both have the best sleep they've had in awhile. Getting a solid 11 hours each, waking up in the same positions they fell asleep in, wrapped in each other, finally _home_. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it !
> 
> Come say hello on twitter @adoringbravery :)


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